Monday, September 9, 2019

The Easy Way Out

Staying in my marriage is the easy way out.

If I had a dollar for how many times I’ve heard “divorce is the easy way out”. Divorce is hard, getting to the point where you want a divorce is hard. Staying is easier. Logistically, financially, and for the kids it’s easier. Putting on a mask of happiness is easier than showing my true pain, shame, guilt, and chaos of emotions. 

Divorce is the easy way out because you’re not facing your issues and just leaving. But am I really, though? 

If I stay, I have to fake my smile of happiness to my children. I have to pretend I like my husband. I have to act like everything is fine. I have to keep putting up with his bullshit excuses, comments, abuse, feelings of never being enough, distrust, stress, tension and fuck so much more. 

If I stay, then I have to lay in our bed and be insulted because I’m not thin enough for this position, I’m not doing what he wants, I’m not swallowing, I’m not freaky enough to bring another woman into the bedroom. Then once he’s finished he tells me “there you go” as if he did me the favor. “No asshole, my orgasm didn’t come from you anyways, I did it myself and you weren’t even in my fantasy.” Of course I don’t say it to him because that wouldn’t be the right wife thing to say. But man do I feel it in my soul. 

I was once intimate with him, where I told him my story, I shared my thoughts and feelings with him. Instead of embracing my truth and honoring me, he degraded me and used it against me. 
I didn’t even realize how I’ve longed to be intimate with someone. Not in just a sexual way but in the way where I can reveal all of me, piece by piece and he loves me anyways. A way where he honors my pain and truth and respects my body. He doesn’t just look at me as a resource for his supply, but as a partner, a best friend, and an intimate lover. Things I’ve not had yet.

Do you know how hard it will be to find someone else who will accept all of me? It will take time and may be brutal. Staying is harder, because it’s not the real me inside.
I want my kids to see my biggest smile when I see the love of my life. A true genuine smile. Not a forced smile, not where I have to grin and bare its i want them to see true love. I would rather leave now then let them feel that I only stayed with their father for them and i was miserable the whole time. 

Staying is easier because one house stays one house. I don’t have to purchase new furniture, a new place, or new things. I can save more money if I stayed. It’s cheaper to keep her as the saying goes. 
Figuring this out on my own, processing the loss of a marriage, dealing with my truth, this shit is hard. This shit is heavy and can be unbearable but damn it will be worth it. 

Don’t tell me that divorcing my husband will be the easy way out. My pain and anger are real and it didn’t just happen overnight. It’s not a decision I came to lightly. I want to be happy and I want to be the best version of myself for me and my kids. 

The struggle to be genuine is real, it’s so hard sometimes. Faking, that’s easy.